lostinapril's Blog

I ...don't even know.

I've recently discovered that my best friend/roommate is really, really, really, into sex. BDSM stuff.

Well, not recently. She's pretty open about her sex life, at least to me, because I don't judge. But I had no idea about how far this thing of hers goes.

that's like the understatement of the century.

She "cam models" and is involved with a married man and it's basically half of who she is. I found blog entries of hers on a fetish website she pulled up while we were all drunk describing in detail what she lets/has let people do to her. And it breaks my heart. Her first entry hinted at a deeper reason for feeling the need to be punished and basically made to feel worthless, but she didn't exactly say. She said parts of her life have been so terrible that she's hated herself. She doesn't just enjoy being called "bitch" or "slut"  in bed, it's apparently an entire lifestyle. She thinks of herself this way. She obsesses over her body and whether or not she's beautiful to someone and doesn't like herself enough to stop this thing with this married guy all because he told her he loves her.

She met him on a sugar daddy arrangement website. I just can't believe the lies she's telling herself and the way she screws reality around in order for all this to be okay in her eyes.

 And it scares me. 

I don't know what happened to her, and it's just kind of like I can't look at her the same way.

Of course I'm bias on my views on sex, having gone through what I have, But I'm honestly just worried for her, and what's going to happen to her when this thing ends, or the wife finds out, or he picks up and leaves when he gets bored and she's left with no one. It's going to happen, and it's just a matter of time.

She tells everyone she just wants to be a housewife and have kids. That she was put on this earth to be a mother and spouse. But she doesn't respect the commitment someone else has already made with another person. She has excuses like "well, he's going to cheat anyway so I'm glad it's with me because I won't ask him to leave his wife for me or anything like that." "well, she's a bitch to him. no wonder he cheats."

Am I the only sane person left on this earth? If you have problems in your marriage, you should at least have the decency to go out and seek help or therapy and do everything you can to save it because if you weren't ready for all that marriage comes with, then you should still be single. Or get divorced. Yes it's messy and hard if you have kids. But you're living a lie. And isn't that worse? Your entire life is a fallacy. 

She's living a lie. And I don't know how either of them can look in the mirror and tell themselves that they're good people.

I don't know if I can be friends with someone like that. It's scary. I don't want to judge, but what kind of friend am I to let my best friend continue with this, when she's so blind and in denial about the outcomes?

Good grief.

I come here to complain.

I don't have anywhere else to post where someone i know wont see this shit. But there's just thoughts I have. Im not a person to look up to. but who would I even be a role model for? maybe that's why Im terrible. I dont have to be responsible for anyone. And once i fuck up, i fuck up for good. if i hurt someone's feelings or be a shithead for no reason...well...once i figure out that there was really no reason other than me being moody, or taking something the wrong way, i cant go back. i just decide that well, thats it. no coming back. i hate that awkward shit of apologizing. and its not that i wont apologize. or dont feel the need to. im just so embarrased of how i acted in whatever situation that it was that i dont wanna be around the person i made upset. but then again, i feel like a lot of people fuck with me and my emotions, and dont give two shits. they're sorry that I feel bad. but not that they did something to me that caused me to feel bad. like oh. that sucks. sucks to suck. but never "what can i do to compensate for what i did?" it's never that. no one ever wants to take responsibility. so maybe that's why i dont feel like i should for anyone else. i wonder if i can ever find the strength to stop being a hypocrite.


It's been a long time since I've been on here. I read through my posts and it seems like what happened to me was just all a bad dream. It feels nice to know that I'm far away from that dark place I was in for a long time. I've forgiven myself, and tried to move on. I don't think about it most days. I've focused on making myself happy and doing things that make my life better. It feels like I have control back, and got back whatever I lost. Some days are better than others, but I know that it's at least all uphill from here. I have my entire life ahead of me, and I can do anything.

I wonder.

Sometimes I wonder. if i will ever find anyone who looks at life the same way I do...someone that thinks like me, and can wrap their brain around my theories and point of view. How I think everyone is beautiful. and not as a cliche. I literally believe that every human being on this earth is beautiful, and not superficially. They're beautiful because they're here. Because they were picked out of the cosmos to exist. Their very being is a miracle in itself. Somewhere, something decided that this person should exist. or maybe nothing did. Maybe it was an accident. A beautiful jumble of events, and pow! a human. No one will ever have the same life story as them, they are part of a giant novel to which none of us knows the title. I'ts just mind blowing to me. 

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Previous Posts
I ...don't even know., posted February 11th, 2013
I come here to complain., posted January 6th, 2013, 2 comments
Wow., posted September 26th, 2012
I wonder., posted April 30th, 2012, 2 comments

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